Neither an anthropologist, nor a colonizer be;
For research oft loses both aim and point,
And colonizers get beheaded by the free
If you really want to understand life in the village that is the CNN newsroom, ignore the uninterrupted stream of phone calls, the interrupted conversations and the people who have worked together for decades, but never found the time to get to know one another.
Don’t linger long over the table manners and sleeping patterns of the community. Don’t make an exhaustive study of how they dress.
Go native.
Start by learning the language. What happened to the package? Who is handling the Mideast? How to contact ‘The Row?’ Where to issue ‘The Wire?’ What does it mean to Audeamus? And who is in the log?
To master Newspeak requires patience and a tolerance for ambiguity.
Don’t focus on the syllabillic chaos. See if someone will take you into his hut, give you a pipe to smoke, some kind of story to eat. Don’t worry about contaminating the culture—despite your strange language and manners, they will barely notice a primitive like you in their midst. Relax—you are invisible and safe.
Keep in mind that among the Newsroom folk, much of the communication is non verbal. And direct person-to-person contact is unusual. Machines handle it all. Emoticons substitute for smiles and an email without ‘thanks’ is the first sign of rudeness. Even if you try to make your life in the newsroom different, you will still be ‘looped into’ an endless flow of emails that will keep you glued to the monitor the entire work day. And your co-workers as a courtesy will make sure to loop you in. Do not worry about protocols about social status and eye contact. Every tribesman will be looking down into his BlackBerry and iPhone. Headphones are available at every computer station in case you wondered how they isolate their ears.
Don’t blush when a native accosts you with questions like: “Did we get the Whip?” or “Are we done with the teaser?” It is not a sexual advance. They either want a short report from the field -- usually on short notice -- or some colorful shamanistic exorcism to paralyze the TV audience from switching the channel before going to a commercial break.
Moments of playfulness, frivolity without consequences and friendly flirtations are rare, but tribeswomen still find time for plain bitchery.
Keep in mind that the folk of the Newsroom do not gorge on donuts. Their donuts are not Dunkin’. Rather, they feed Donuts into the NewSource and the word actually means a package that does not have a reporter’s signature.
When you have fathomed the clicks and tocks of Newspeak, you will have entered puberty and have some standing in the village. You will be afforded something. If you manage to do so in less than a year, make sure to share your method with CNN tribesmen. Many of them, who have lived in the tribe for years, still cannot tie the ends together.
You will no longer jump to attention when the chief says ‘Look Alive.’ You won’t make the mistake of replying that you CANNOT look alive because you ARE alive. He means yet another package that is to be taped as if ‘live’ but is not to be played in real time. The chief wants you and the correspondent in the field to start coordinating the release of the package.
